[We see a large circular room divided into twelve segments by a series of painted spokes on the floor radiating out from a twelve-sided table in the middle of the room. The table had an open space inside it with three chairs. Each chair is occupied by a Chinese Amazon. The first chair is occupied by Dowel, a young Amazon of about twelve years of age. She has short blue hair. The middle chair is occupied by a bored looking middle-aged woman with long green hair. Her name is Soft Soap. Finally, a serene old woman with long grey hair sits in the third chair, idly playing with a set of finger spheres. Her name is Back Scratcher. Shampoo and her mother, Conditioner, are standing in the segment marked 'delta' on the floor. (Marked with the greek letter delta, which resembles a triangle) Everyone is speaking in Chinese in this scene.] Shampoo: WHAT? Showercap did WHAT? Dowel: She's petitioned the High Court to finally settle the issue of your marriage, marriages, or not getting married. This has dragged on for too long. Conditioner: My grandmother, Cologne, has taken measures to settle this. Soft Soap: [shakes her head] If it had just been Ranma, we would have left this in your hands, but since multiple possible husbands are involved...Seriously, you have three potential husbands, and this can't be allowed to drag on like this. Shampoo: I only have ONE possible husband! Ranma! Back Scratcher: [pulls out photos of Shampoo being defeated by Ranma, Mousse, and Gosunkugi] These look convincing to me! Shampoo: [grabs the photos and stares at them] These are blurry! Back Scratcher: [pulls down the glasses which Shampoo had up on top of her head] Try again. Shampoo: Hey, how did Showercap get pictures of any of these? She wasn't THERE! Dowel: So you admit it's true. Shampoo: I don't admit ANYTHING! Conditioner: So now what happens? Soft Soap: We summon them all, and then we have a formal marital trial. Conditioner: Which consists of? Back Scratcher: First we conduct a thorough investigation to determine if all of the victories happened fairly. Then all the potential husbands compete to see who marries Shampoo. Shampoo: I'm not going to marry Mousse even if he somehow causes Ranma to turn into a potato. Conditioner: What if the winner refuses to marry her? Dowel: Then he can file for a divorce. Granted, only about one in ten men survive a divorce trial, but that's what they get for being weak. Shampoo: What if I want the divorce? Back Scratcher: [tosses a scroll to Shampoo] You have to perform the rite of Divorce. It's explained in here. Shampoo: Thank you, honored Elder. Conditioner: What if the men don't show up in time for the trial? Dowel: Then whoever shows up first marries Shampoo. Shampoo: But...Mousse LIVES HERE! Soft Soap: [as if addressing a very small child] Yes. He does. Shampoo: But that means...I'd have to marry him! Back Scratcher: It's good to know you haven't gone deaf. Shampoo: [jumping up and down] Why should I have to marry Mousse just because he LIVES HERE? Dowel: If you sue a tree, what would it pay you in? Back Scratcher: The Law that can be understood is not the Law. [Long pause. They both turn and stare at Soft Soap] Soft Soap: Why is Sartre so boring? [Back Scratcher and Dowel both stare hard at Soft Soap] Soft Soap: Ummm...Sorry, I couldn't think of a good koan. Shampoo: If I punt you into space, will you make a sound? Back Scratcher: See, it's not hard, Soft Soap. [Dowel groans] *************** Furinkan Summer #15 "The Court of 'Ferocious Amazon Womens' or Rumbottle of the Old Bailey" By John Biles "Summer Fields"--The FS Theme. My anger hides a loving heart; My anger drives us far apart. Only your love can heal the pain, For it's your smile that brings the rain That helps love's fields to grow. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. We hid our love behind our pride, Never letting others inside. To end those lies must be our task; Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks We used to hide from love. Walk with me through summer's field So we can help our hearts to heal. Stride through the grass and smell the air Under the sun without a care. I want to walk with you. Love does not end with "I Love You", Not if what the things we said were true. We have to strive to make it grow. We have to let our feelings show Else love will fade like dew. **************************** [We see Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Gosunkugi, Akemi, Ryouga and Nabiki sitting in a plane. Nabiki is busy pouring through a set of books titled, 'Amazon Marital Law' and taking notes. ] Ukyou: You really think you can learn that fast enough? Nabiki: Well, unless you REALLY think you're going to be able to talk an Amazon into helping you all out, it's up to me to save your bacon as usual. [Ranma frowns slightly] Ryouga: Nabiki can do it. She's not an idiot like Ranma. Ranma: I am not an idiot! You're not exactly an expert in Amazon law yourself, Ryouga! Akane: Can it! [frowns at both of them] No brawls on the plane! [We see Akemi is going over a book titled 'Amazon Divorce Code'] Akemi: Weird. Gosunkugi: What's weird? Akemi: Part of the Amazon rite of Divorce for women has to be pronounced while standing in a bucket of water. Ranma: Jyusenkyo Water? Akemi: No, just water. Stand naked in the bucket and proclaim about three pages of various ritual curses on your soon-to-be-ex-husband. You have to perform the entire rite precisely in order to get the divorce, but it's all. No reason needed for it. [pages through the book] The man has to go to Divorce Court if he wants one. Acceptable grounds are: abandonment more than two decades, wife severs both of his legs or either of his arms, wife becomes a swamp monster, wife gives birth only to boys (after the third boy in a row), wife renounces membership in the Amazon tribe, wife becomes a purple dinosaur, wife eats one of the couple's children or either of the man's parents, wife attempts to force the husband to assassinate the emperor of China with a stick, wife only feeds husband mudpies, wife castrates husband when he didn't deserve it. Ranma: ... Akane: Not too many divorces initiated by men, I take it. Ryouga: What if she made him try to assassinate the Emperor of China with something else? Akemi: It doesn't say. [pages through the book] He can sue her for a year's supply of rice-a-roni, but not get a divorce. Ranma: So, like, what should we expect besides getting into trouble when we arrive? Nabiki: Don't even BREATHE unless I tell you. The Amazons have 3.5 million laws. Half of them result in the death penalty. The other half just make you wish you were dead. Especially, especially, don't leave milk out in the sun for days. Akane: Death penalty? Nabiki: It curdles. Curdled milk is REALLY disgusting. [Everyone face faults] ********* [Our little band of litigants is greeted at the outskirts of the Amazon village by Showercap and two younger Amazons. One of them is wearing a curly blonde wig and could easily pass as an eighteenth century British judge in the outfit she's wearing if any eighteenth century judges had been female. She is taking a swig from a bottle as the group approaches. The other has long green hair and is smartly dressed in a business suit that looks quite out of place in the village. She is rather portly. ] Showercap: Greetings! I am her surpreme intelligence, the all knowing, all wise, all benevolent, Grand High Matriarch and General Font of Wisdom, Showercap. These are my granddaughters, Rumbottle [points to the drinking one] and Mason Jar [points to the other one], who have been appointed by the court at my recommendation to defend Gosunkugi and Ranma respectively. Nabiki: [frowns] I was going to defend them. Mason Jar: [speaking with a deep rumbling voice] Have you passed the Bar Exam? Nabiki: I'll be happy to give it my best shot. ************ [The little band of litigants and Showercap's legal assistance brigade are now in the central plaza of the Amazon village. Ranma recognizes the nearby table and the pit of sand with a log hung over it from his last trip to the village. A collection of Amazons in various garb derived somewhat from that of various legal traditions are scattered about the log, armed with briefcases and judge's hammers.] Showercap: To pass the bar, you must reach the log, climb onto it, stay there for five minutes, then get off it on the far side without being knocked out. They will be barraging you with legal questions. As long as you continue to answer them correctly, they aren't allowed to hit you. Each wrong answer gets you hit. If you pass out, you have to wait six months before trying to pass the bar exam again. Nabiki: [thinking] I should have just let Ranma get stuck marrying Shampoo. Showercap: Ready? Nabiki: Not really. Showercap: [pulls out a stopwatch] Too bad. Go! [Nabiki sprints for the log, but is intercepted by an Amazon dressed as a policewoman] 'Policewoman': Name the Fundamental Principles of Amazon Law. Nabiki: Everyone has rights and duties. The duck stops here. Three rights make a left. Two wrongs don't make a right, but they can be a lot more fun. Semper Ubi Sub Ubu. The Woman is Always Right. Obstacles are for killing. Cleanliness is next to godliness, but a strong left hook is more important. Mind Control is your Friend. Technicalities are nothing. Honor is everything. Obey your Thirst. Obsession. [The policewoman gets out of the way and Nabiki continues, vaulting over an Amazon in a suit] Nabiki: [thinking] I can't believe I actually did that successfully! [Suddenly, she realizes she can't move foward. Looking back, she sees the suited amazon is holding her collar] Suited Amazon: State Amazon Property Law #56. Nabiki: In a dispute between a man and a woman over who owns something, the woman owns it. [The woman nods and Nabiki turns to run, only to be confronted by an Amazon carrying a huge pickaxe] Pickaxe carrier: What is your favorite color? Nabiki: That's not a legal question! Pickaxe carrier: Umm...What's the best kind of club to use in a water trap? Nabiki: [irritated] Neither is that one. What's the penalty for obstructing a bar exam? Pickaxe carrier: I don't know. Nabiki: [gets into a combat stance] Now I get to hit you with my ultimate...Martial Arts Accounting attack. [rears back ever so slowly] Pickaxe carrier: [runs away screaming] AAAAAAA!!!!!!! Nabiki: Bluffing is an important part of any legal system. *********** [We see the Amazon courtroom again with the three judges. Mousse stands in one of the spokes of the wheel with an old woman who is somewhat short but not totally shrunken, unlike Showercap or Cologne or the oldest judge. She has her hair up in a net and carries a shuffleboard pole. Gosunkugi stands nervously with Akemi and Rumbottle in a second of the spokes. Ranma and Nabiki are in the third. Shampoo and Cologne stand in the fourth. Akane, Ukyou, and Ryouga are sitting on one of the benches in another part of the courtroom. Several dozen Amazons of various ages are sitting around, watching, also sitting on the benches.] Dowel: I hearby call this session of Amazon Marital Court into session. Judges Dowel, Soft Soap and Backscratcher presiding. Soft Soap: Case 1: Ranma Saotome vs. Gosunkugi vs. Mousse for the hand of Shampoo. Back Scratcher: Are you ready to rumble? Nabiki: My client stands ready to rumble as the court may decree. He denies the charge of being married to Shampoo. Rumbottle: [takes a swig from a large rum bottle] My client is ready to set sail with Captain Morgan. Gosunkugi: [thinking] Followed by burial at sea. I'm doomed. I wish Akemi had been able to pass the Amazon bar test... Akemi: [thinking] I wonder if we can blow up the village as a failsafe. Cologne: My client denies the validity of the Gosunkugi and Mousse suits and intends to plead guilty to charges of marriage to Ranma Saotome. Soft Soap: Out of order! [throws a 5000 page Amazon law tome at Cologne, who passes out] Hmm. I thought she had a thicker skull than that. The woman by Mousse: While my grandson should plead the insanity defense for his desire to marry Shampoo, I, Matriarch Hairnet, because I am excessively compassionate to my descendents, do register his plea of guilt in the charge of being married to Shampoo. Showercap: [shouts from the audience] Betrayed by my own daughter! Rumbottle: [blinks and gazes blearily at Hairnet] Mom? Hairnet: As much as it shames me to admit it, yes. Rumbottle: I thought you left with that Harlock guy. Hairnet: [shrugs] He was too depressing and kept trying to make me wear a blonde wig. Back Scratcher: Pleas heard and recorded. Let us examine the evidence. Shampoo: [sets up a home movie camera] This is the official record of the tournament where Ranma beat Shampoo. [shows a home movie of Ranma-chan beating Shampoo in combat] Nabiki: Objection. The person shown in the film is a woman. Amazon law demands the kiss of death in such a case, not marriage. Shampoo: Iya! Nabiki knows that Ranma turns into a girl when wet! Nabiki: Such a fact has not been demonstrated. Shampoo: [lifts a bucket of water] Shampoo will demonstrate! Soft Soap: Because this is Tuesday, dumping water on a man's head is punishable by cleaning the entire village with your tongue. Be warned. Shampoo: Iya! Shampoo wants to call witnesses! Back Scratcher: You may call your first witness. Shampoo: Shampoo calls Akane Tendo to the Witness Stand. Akane: [looks around] I don't see a stand. Dowel: [points to the fifth segment of the wheel] Witnesses stand there. [Akane goes over there] Shampoo: Ugly Tomboy, please state your name for the record. Akane: I am not an ugly tomboy! Dowel: Stop leading the witness. Shampoo: Shampoo not leading the witless! Even though she is witless. Dowel: WITNESS!!! Shampoo: [looks around] What is Shampoo supposed to witness? Akane: [sighs] My name is Akane Tendo. Shampoo: Akane Tendo, does Ranma Saotome turn into a girl when wet due to going to Jyusenkyo? Akane: [glances over at Nabiki, who shakes her head fervently] N... Shampoo: Punishment for perjury in an Amazon court is fifty years slavery. Akane: ... Dowel: That's not right. Akane: [looks relieved] Soft Soap: It's a century of slavery. Also, you spend the first year being used to test pit depths. Akane: [sighs] Yes. He turns into a girl when wet. Shampoo: Was the girl in the film Ranma? Akane: Yes. Shampoo: Did Ranma beat Shampoo again in boy form? Akane: Yes. Shampoo: Is Akane Tendo an ugly worthless tomboy who has no right to marry Ranma? Akane: Ye...NO! Shampoo: Your witless, Nabiki. Nabiki: [strides as close to Akane as she can get without leaving her wedge of the circle] How long has Shampoo been unsuccessfully trying to get Ranma to marry her? Akane: Over a year. Nabiki: Has Ranma ever expressed any desire to marry Shampoo? Akane: He told me he wants to marry me. If he wanted to marry Shampoo, he could have done so at any time. Nabiki: Has Mousse ever expressed the desire to marry Shampoo? Akane: He can't go five minutes without saying it. Hairnet: Actually, he's up to eight minutes now. Mousse: I love you, SHAMPOO!!!!! Hairnet: [resets her watch] Good things never last. ********** [We see the sun is setting. Nabiki's cross-examination of Akane seems to have lasted at least eight hours. Half the audience is asleep and covered in cobwebs. Even Ranma has fallen asleep.] Nabiki: Did Shampoo appear in the movie Titanic? Akane: Not as far as I can tell. Shampoo: [shakes Cologne] Wake up, great-grandmother! Cologne: [mumbles in her sleep] Oh yes, more, Duchovney-sama... Rumbottle: Objection. Line of questioning is boring. [All three judges snore until she bounces a bottle off of Soft Soap's head] Soft Soap: Objection sustained. Nabiki: I object to the objection. I'm about to show how the Cigarette Smoking Man caused the Titanic to sink. Dowel: [groggily] Amazon law forbids use of the X-Files as evidence in a marital case. Nabiki: For my next witness, I call Ranma Saotome, then. Shampoo: Hey, Shampoo is calling witlesses! Nabiki: Are you saying Ranma is witless? Shampoo: Shampoo never call Ranma witless. Nabiki: I, on the other hand, do that all the time, so I am going to call him. Shampoo: ... [thinking] Shampoo not sure how to deal with that logic. Dowel: Objection. Nabiki is exploiting the intellectually challenged. Back Scratcher: [clonks Dowel in the head with her back scratcher] You're a judge. You can't raise objections. Hairnet: Well, I object to Showercap's presence. Ranma: I object to this entire proceding. Rumbottle: [sees her bottle is empty] I object to running out of rum! [The room dissolves into a sea of objections] Back Scratcher: This court is adjourned for the day. We will resume tomorrow. Showercap: I object! [Back Scratcher throws the Book at her. Soon, Showercap joins the legion of sleepers] *********** [We see Nabiki, Ukyou, Ranma and Akane camped out on pallets in a guest house] Ukyou: Hey, where did Gosunkugi and Akemi go? Nabiki: They're talking to Hairnet. Ranma: [frowns] About what? Nabiki: Some Amazon law stuff. [thinking] Planning a way to get us all out of this, I hope. Akane: So, are we winning or losing? Nabiki: Unless Shampoo goes berserk and tries to kill the judges, or I manage to bore them to death, it's almost certainly going to come down to judicial combat between the potential husbands. In which case, we're doomed. Ranma: [sits up] Whaddya mean, we're doomed? I could kick Gosunkugi's butt while dead, and I could take Mousse any day of the week. Nabiki: Whoever wins all the fights marries Shampoo. Ukyou: We're doomed. Ranma: Hey, all I have to do is throw...yeah, we're doomed. [sighs] Akane: Can't he just go out and surrender immediately? Nabiki: You think Ranma's gonna be able to give up with an entire village watching? Ukyou: Like I said... Ranma: Hey, I ain't THAT stupid. If it gets me out of having to marry Shampoo, I can throw a fight. ********** [We see Mousse heading towards Low Earth Orbit. Ranma is standing and staring at his fist] Ranma: Damn you! Why won't you ever LISTEN to me? [His fist is silent, for obvious reasons] Shampoo: Kick Gosunkugi's butt, Airen! [We see Gosunkugi, who is dressed up in the gunslinger outfit again, sitting by Akemi, Nabiki, and Hairnet in the stands. The fighting is being conducted in the heart of the Amazon village, with most of its population up in the stands watching the fight] Gosunkugi: [to Hairnet] Are you sure this is going to be legal? Hairnet: It's no holds barred combat; the only limit is that you can't be helped by another human being and if you hurt someone besides the person you're fighting, you lose. No detonating an atomic bomb in the middle of the village to win, for example. Gosunkugi: [thinking] I hope this plan we worked out last night works correctly. Or I will die horribly. Nabiki: ... Back Scratcher: [from the judges' bench] First Victory to Ranma. Next Match. Ranma versus Gosunkugi. Gosunkugi: [walks out into the middle, wearing a water pistol on his belt and carrying a hinged box] You ready, Ranma? Ranma: [focusing his willpower] I...I...surr... Shampoo: Kick his butt, Airen! Any real man would stomp him flat! Ranma: [winces as if struck] Dowel: Yeah! You can take this wimp! Soft Soap: We're not supposed to take sides, Dowel. We're JUDGES. Dowel: Yeah, but only a total idiot could get beaten by a pale, sickly total loser like this Gosunkugi guy. [We see Akemi fuming up in the stands. Ranma winces again and tries to speak, but no words come out] Gosunkugi: [opens the box] I thought it would come to this. Here, kitty, kitty. [A cat runs out, and Gosunkugi picks it up] You wanna hold her, Ranma? Ranma: [freezes up] C...c...cat... Gosunkugi: [draws and fires his pistol with one hand] One-shot mouse water. [Ranma is innudated. Instant Mousie] It'll only transform you once, but that's all I need. Ranma-Mouse: Narf! Gosunkugi: [puts down the cat] Catch the mousie, kitty. [Ranma-mouse takes off running with the cat in hot pursuit. Akane and Ukyou both get up and go running after Ranma-mouse] Shampoo: You...you're going to get Airen eaten! [starts to charge down from the stands, but Cologne restrains her] Cologne: If you interfere in a judicial combat... Shampoo: But what if airen gets eaten? Back Scratcher: Well, this match goes to Gosunkugi. Use of cats in combat is allowed by the eighth law of the nine hundredth Olympiad. Hairspray: Of course. [thinking] Just as I told Gosunkugi. Back Scratcher: Someone find Mousse, so we can settle this. Mousse: [staggers into the arena] Here I am. Soft Soap: Mousse versus Gosunkugi. FIGHT! Gosunkugi: [gets down on his hands and knees] I yield. [Everyone is silent, then the benches erupt into arguments as everyone begins to discuss what this means in legal terms. The three judges whisper among themselves. Akane and Ukyou return with a dripping wet Ranma] Back Scratcher: After much discussion, we have decided there must be a tiebreaker round, since each of the would be husbands has one win and one loss. The winner of this will officially be Shampoo's husband. [Everyone looks tense, except Hairnet, who looks amused] Soft Soap: Amazons do not prize only strength. We also prize cunning and intelligence. Dowel: A nice butt doesn't hurt. Soft Soap: As I was saying, this test will be a contest of intelligence and wit. An ancient Chinese contest of strategy and luck. Dowel: A strip tease. [Soft Soap and Back Scratcher whip out a sack, pop Dowel into it, and tie her up] Back Scratcher: Wei-chi. Ranma: Wei-chi? Soft Soap: You Japanese people call it Go. Ranma: How do you do Martial Go? Back Scratcher: Regular Go. Ranma: What, just putting stones on a board? Back Scratcher: There's some other form? Ranma: I may need CPR after I die of boredom. ********** [We see everyone watching Gosunkugi and Mousse's match] Ranma: They're good. Nabiki: I think you set a land speed record for losing at Go, Ranma. Ranma: [irritated] Pop taught me Shogi, not Go. Akane: Well, at least we don't have to worry. Ukyou: I feel kinda sorry for Shampoo. Whoever wins, she's stuck with someone she doesn't want. Nabiki: She'll just divorce him. But it will be over. [gives a relaxed sigh] And that's what we wanted. Akane: I'm surprised Gosunkugi didn't just resign immediately. Ranma: He's probably the same way about this that I am about fighting. I mean...it ain't easy to just give up when you know you could win. That you should win. [He hears Shampoo sobbing a few benches away and winces] Akane: [looks around] Where has Ryouga wandered off to, anyway? Nabiki: Mousse's sister is taking him somewhere. Akane: Where? Nabiki: Not much point in coming to China without at least TRYING to get some man-drown water, eh? Ranma: I don't think Jyusenkyo will let go of us any time soon. Nabiki: Insurance for my eventual wedding night. Akane: Hmm. Good idea. [Mousse lays a final stone. Gosunkugi stares at the board, and sighs] Gosunkugi: No legal moves for me. You win. [stands up] Good game. Mousse: Woo! Woo! [dances around] Back Scratcher: Well, that about sums this up. Mousse wins, which breaks the tie from the first round. We now declare Shampoo and Mousse husband and wife. Shampoo: SHAMPOO NEVER MARRY MOUSSE! Mousse: Shampoo, my love! [charges through the stands, only to be kicked into orbit by Shampoo, Showercap, and Cologne in unison] Cologne: Well, you can divorce him. Shampoo: Shampoo can't say the ritual curses while standing in a bucket of water! She'll turn into a cat. Cats can't talk. [cries] Nabiki: [walks over to Shampoo, grinning] Let's make a deal. ********** [It is night. We see Ranma up on the roof of the Guest House, which is tiled] Akane: [from the ground] You coming to bed? Ranma: In a little bit. I just wanna look at the stars for a while. Goodnight, Akane-chan. Akane: Goodnight, Ranma. [goes inside] [A few seconds later, a tear streaked Shampoo leaps onto the roof from a nearby house] Shampoo: Shampoo not happy. Ranma: [sighs] I'm sorry, Shampoo. I don't want to marry you. Shampoo: But why? Why Airen help others make Shampoo marry Mousse? Ranma: Didn't you divorce him? Shampoo: Well, yes, even though Shampoo have to turn into boy to do it. Shampoo rather be boy when wet than cat, though. [kneels in front of Ranma] Why Ranma not want to marry Shampoo? Ranma: You're not what I'm looking for in a woman. Shampoo: Ranma want flat-chested tomboy woman who can't cook? [looks confused] Ranma: She's kind to me. Shampoo: Shampoo always kind to Ranma! Ranma: When she smiles at me, I just feel warm inside. Shampoo: Shampoo smile at Ranma all the time! Ranma: She never tries to control my mind with magic. Shampoo: Shampoo... [sighs] Shampoo just...Shampoo loves Ranma. Ranma: Why? Shampoo: [sits down cross-legged] Ranma is honest and strong and brave and loyal. And smart. You're the only man Shampoo could never outsmart. Ranma: [smiles] Thank you, Shampoo. No one ever calls me smart. Shampoo: Shampoo so strong, no one here could beat her. Shampoo was afraid she'd be alone all her life until Shampoo meet you. And only silly Mousse even tried. Ranma: He loves you, Shampoo. Shampoo: But Shampoo doesn't love him! Ranma: [sighs] I'm sorry, Shampoo, but I love Akane, not you. [she begins to cry again] Shampoo, crying won't help. Shampoo: [shouts at Ranma] Shampoo cry when she is sad, okay? [starts] Shampoo have real emotions too, you know! [pounds on Ranma's chest] Not everything Shampoo does is intended to make people do what Shampoo wants! Airen made Shampoo cry because Shampoo isn't happy, dammit! Ranma: [nervously] I'm...I'm sorry, Shampoo. That's part of why I let this all drag on so long. I never wanted to make you cry. Shampoo: [still crying] Shampoo not know what to do now. Ranma: Uh...whatever Amazons do here. [pauses] Thank you for all the stuff you've taught me, Shampoo. Shampoo: Huh? Ranma: I wouldn't be half as good as I am without all the stuff you and the old troll taught me. Shampoo: [sadly] Can Shampoo ask Ranma for one thing before he goes back to Japan? Ranma: Uh, sure. Shampoo: Can Shampoo have just one kiss before she never sees you again? Shampoo never really been kissed. Ranma: [nervously] O...okay. [thinking] Just this once won't hurt. I mean, I guess she's right. I'll never see her again and stuff. [speaking] Close your eyes. Shampoo: [closes her eyes tightly] Come and get me, Airen. Ranma: [leans forward nervously. Time seems to slow down as if he was Xeno's turtle] You ready, Shampoo? Shampoo: Shampoo born ready. Ranma: [looks around nervously, then finally pecks her on the lips. He starts to pull back, but she embraces him and pulls him into a soul sucking, air loss inducing kiss. Finally, she releases him and sighs] Wow. Shampoo: [stands up] Goodbye, Airen. Shampoo never forget you. Ranma: [stands up and bows] I'll never forget you either, Shampoo. Come by and visit us some time. Shampoo: [sighs] Shampoo suspects that would not be a good idea. But maybe some day. When Amazons conquer the world. [laughs faintly] Try not to die from Tomboy's cooking, Airen. Ranma: Easier said than done. [They both laugh] Shampoo: May the gods watch over you, may you always be victorious, and may you have many strong daughters to carry on your line. [bows] Ranma: May...uh...Kick Mousse's butt for me, sometimes, okay? Shampoo: [laughs again] With pleasure. Ranma: Good luck, Shampoo. When you get married, send me an invitation. Shampoo: If Shampoo ever get married. Ranma: You will. You just gotta find someone you like and then throw the fight if he isn't strong enough. Shampoo: [sarcastically] Ranma already demonstrated how 'easy' it is to throw a fight when you're a real warrior. Ranma: [laughs nervously] If I could find so many people wanting to marry me, so can you, Shampoo. And you will. Shampoo: Shampoo not so sure. [stares at the ground] Ranma: [pulls out a small ornate box] I got this from a woman in a magic book Santa gave me. [hands it to Shampoo] She said to open it when I was most desperate, but the way you look...you need it more than me. Shampoo: [blinks] A woman? Ranma: In the book, she made Jyusenkyo. There were Amazons too. And stuff. Anyway, you can have it. Although I'm not sure what it does. Shampoo: [twitches] Airen got this from a book? Ranma: Is it something bad? Shampoo: [cracks open the box and peeks inside, then smiles] Ranma never learn story of Pandora? Ranma: Was that the Panda King? Shampoo: Pandora let all the evils of the world out of a box where they were locked up, but the box still had one thing left inside it. Ranma: What...that box? Shampoo: [nods] Ranma: I've been carrying all the evils of the world around? Shampoo: What was left in the box, was hope. [smiles at Ranma] Which I needed. Ranma: Umm...why did a box with all the evils of the world have hope in it? Shampoo: Shampoo never said story made sense. Neither does life. Shampoo thinks that's the point. [steps over and pecks Ranma on the cheek] But Shampoo glad Airen like her enough to give her such a valuable present. Goodbye, Airen. [runs off] Ranma: So why keep hope locked up in a...[shakes his head] I'm going to bed. ************ [We see Akane talking to Akemi and Gosunkugi as they pack their stuff and get ready to leave the next morning] Akane: I've been meaning to ask you guys about this. I don't know anyone else who could tell...are Ryouga and Nabiki still under a love spell? Akemi: No. [trying desperately to fit a wall scroll into her purse; this was never intended by nature to work] Akane: ... Gosunkugi: I can tell you from experience that love magic usually malfunctions and even when it does work, it doesn't last for long. Those love cookies aren't that powerful. Akane: Actually, it was magic water Cologne had. Gosunkugi: [trying to fit a ceramic cow into his suitcase] It's one of those things where it may have started out funky, but it's real now. You've seen them bicker. People under the influence of love magic don't ever fight. Akane: [finishes packing her suitcase] It just doesn't seem right to me. Gosunkugi: Do either of them care? Akane: No. Gosunkugi: Did either of them do it deliberately to control the other one? Akane: It was an accident. Gosunkugi: [sighs] Love often is. As we say in my family, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Akemi: Not that your dad ever fixes it if it is broke. Gosunkugi: [laughs] Well, yes. Akane: It just doesn't seem right. They were forced into it. Akemi: Like you and Ranma. Akane: It's not the same! We had a choice. Gosunkugi: You never sounded like you had one. [jumps up and down on his suitcase to close it, with no success] Akane: Well, we...uh...We love each other. So it doesn't matter. Akemi: Exactly. *********** [Back in Japan, we see Nodoka and Genma with her parents] Nodoka: We are heartily sorry for what happened. Genma: [grovelling] Please let us back in our own house! Grandpa Tanuki: What was that about a mouse? Grandma Tanuki: [sighs] I am sorry for what happened, daughter. Of course you can move back in. I should not have thrown you out for what that vulgar girl did. I have gone this long without gutting your husband like a fish, I should have enough patience to go a while longer. Genma: No more hotel room? Grandpa Tanuki: However, we won't stand for Ranma marrying that vulgar girl. Genma: But getting the two of them married is one of the only two promises I've kept in my entire life! Well, three promises. You would strip me of a third of my honor! Grandma Tanuki: You kept a promise? [sounds dubious] Was this before or after you sold my uncle the entire island of Shikoku? Genma: I've never broken my marital vows, I kept my promise to make a man of my son, and I kept my promise to Tendo-san that our families would be joined. Nodoka: You promised you'd remember to buy pickles once, and kept that one too. Genma: Woo! Four promises! Grandma Tanuki: It doesn't... Grandpa Tanuki: [interrupting] If she apologizes, we won't make you cancel the engagement. Grandma Tanuki: But she... Grandpa Tanuki: I will not strip Genma of his last tattered rags of honor with which he might cover the nakedness of his pride. Genma: Thank you, I think. Grandpa Tanuki: But if you ever leave me to pay the bill again, I'll gut you and drop you in Tokyo bay. ************ [We see Ukyou hard at work in her shop, serving a horde of customers and whistling a tune to herself. Gradually, the horde thins out, until finally, she is alone in the shop. She sits down and starts writing a letter] Letter: Dear Shinnosuke, Things are good with me. We're all settled in for the summer. I'm going to take a few weeks off at the end of the summer and come visit you like we planned, I hope. Ranchan finally settled matters with Shampoo. What a mess. [She pauses, and Ryouga and Nabiki walk in the door] Ukyou: Ahh, two beef specials? Ryouga: Yeah. No pork. Nabiki: Sausage for me. [Ryouga gets big eyes] Just teasing. Ukyou: [as she cooks] Whatcha up to? Ryouga: We're going to go check out Nabiki's dormitory for the fall and make some plans for next semester. Nabiki: I'm also trying to find my roommate. Shusendo Negiri of Komatane High School. [shrugs] Hopefully she isn't engaged to four martial artists who will destroy our dorm on a regular basis. Ukyou: [adds a little tabasco sauce to Nabiki's okonomiyaki] You like yours mild, right? Nabiki: Yes. Ukyou: [grins] All ready. [We fade out as Nabiki takes her first bite and breathes fire] ********** [We see Kasumi and Akane working in the courtyard garden of the Dojo. Kunou charges in, dressed in a tuxedo and carrying a huge bouquet of roses] Kunou: Tendo Akane, today is a great and glorious day! Akane: [turns around] You do know I'm engaged, right? Kunou: Wait...did I already propose to you and forget? [Akane and Kasumi face fault] ********** [We see Ranma walking on the fence by the river] Ranma: [looks up] What a beautiful day. [From behind him, a voice speaks] Kodachi: Ranma-sama! Ranma: [spins] Kodachi, I'm gonna marry Akane. Give it up. Kodachi: I know she has used her evil magic on you, possibly destroying most of your brain cells through her cooking, but even if you were a brain-dead vegetable on life support, I would still love you, Ranma-sama! Ranma: [holds up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up? Kodachi: [blinks] Three. Ranma: Okay, we are in the same universe. Look, I don't love you. I never did. I love Akane. I don't love you, and I'm not going to marry you, no matter what you do. Kodachi: Who are you talking to, Ranma-sama? Ranma: [pauses, then simply screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! [runs off howling] Kodachi: That looks like fun! [runs after him screaming] *********** [Back at the Dojo] Kunou: You...you would rather marry that foul sorceror Saotome? Akane: He's not a foul sorceror! Kasumi: She loves him, Kunou. Akane: I'm sorry, Kunou, but give it up. Kunou: [frowns] I have loved you for many years, Akane. Akane: [sighs] I know, Kunou. But I never loved you. [The doors fly open and Mariko the combat cheerleader runs in, dressed in a wedding dress] Mariko: K-U-N-O-U! I'm all suited up for the wedding! Kunou: Do I know you? Wait...you seem familiar. Mariko: [glomps onto him] Let's get m-a-r-r-i-e-d right away! [picks him up and carries him off] Kunou: [as he is carried away] This is not the proper way to treat a Samurai! You should be ... [his voice fades as she carries him out of sight] Kasumi: Now that's the sort of woman he needs. Akane: [puts down her broom] Well, time for me to meet Ranma and go apologize to his grandparents. [Ranma runs by on the roof screaming with Kodachi chasing him, also screaming] Kasumi: I'll call them and tell them you've been delayed. ********* [We see Akane and Ranma up on the rooftop of the dojo, holding hands and watching the sun set] Ranma: Looks like we might get a little peace and quiet for the rest of our summer vacation. Akane: [laughs] If you don't count Kodachi and Kunou coming around. Ranma: If they ever stopped, I wouldn't know what to do with myself anymore. Akane: So what are we gonna do with ourselves? Ranma: Huh? Akane: I mean, in the long term. Ranma: For me, the long term is the next three days. I guess we finish High School and go to College. Big waste of time for me, but there are worse fates than being with you. Akane: [dryly] How enthusiastic you sound. Ranma: You know what I mean. At least we'll be able to live together and finally get some peace and quiet. Akane: And then Kunou will conquer the world riding an army of genetically engineered flying pigs cloned from Ryouga's cells. And he'll appoint you minister of 'Foul Sorcery'. Ranma: At least we'd have plenty of pork to eat. [They both laugh] Akane: I wonder if our children will...you know. Ranma: Yeah, we can start training them pretty early, but I promise to not drag any of them off on training trips without you. Akane: I mean...I'm thinking about your curse. Ranma: Well, we have a barrel of man-drown water for our wedding night. Akane: With our luck, it'll get spilled on me instead of you. Ranma: With our luck, it'll RAIN Jyusenkyo water. Akane: [looks up at the skies] Not a cloud in sight. Ranma: [grins] Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Akane: I think so, Ranma, but if you jumped in the pool of drowned Volvo, where would I get the key to start your engine? Ranma: [takes Akane into his arms] I'll show you how to start my engine. [They kiss and Akane leans back on the rooftop with Ranma lying on top of her. Just as he starts to unbutton her shirt...] Kasumi: [down below] No, Daddy, don't turn the spout THAT hard. It isn't THAT stuck. [There is a huge boom and a geyser of cold water erupts up from the kitchen, then through the second story and right through the roof, transforming Ranma into a girl and flinging both of them airborne] Kasumi: Oh my. [The End of Chapter 15] [The End of Furinkan Summer] [Oh what a long strange trip it's been] ******************** Closing Cast Credits: Starring Saotome Ranma Tendo Akane Tendo Nabiki Tendo Kasumi Kuonji Ukyou Mousse Shampoo Gosunkugi Hikaru Akemi Hibiki Ryouga Kunou Tatewaki Kunou Kodachi Introducing The Bishoujo And Bishonen Kitsunes Sasami Ichiwara Showercap Shelf Susan/Raguela Grandpa and Grandma Saotome Grandpa and Grandma Tanuki Hitomi Ken and Ryoko Hibiki Featuring Saotome Nodoka Saotome Genma Cologne Happosai Tendo Soun Dr. Ono Tofu Principal Kunou Shinnosuke Tsubasa Guest Appearances by Mimi Masters[Ninja High School] Aloysius [NHS] Hitomi Ichinohei[NHS] Princess Asrial of Salusia[NHS] Jeremy, Ricky, and Mrs. Feeple [NHS] Phrank [NHS] Lendo[NHS] Sammi[NHS] The Endless--Dream, Desire, Despair, Destruction, Death, Delirium, Destiny [Sandman] ******************* Author's Notes: Four years. Four years. I'll repeat. Four years. This story took me forever to finish. It's a combination of stubborness and the eventual return of my Furinkan Summer muse that enabled me to finish this story. It's evolved quite a bit, and now bears virtually no resemblance whatsoever to my original plans. Only the scenes of Kasumi, Gosunkugi, and Akemi in Quagmire and Desire's role as a major source of trouble remain from the original concept. Juggling a huge cast isn't easy; but I like juggling huge casts. And huge multi-threaded plotlines. Furinkan Summer is around five times longer than its parent story 'Putting Your Heart in the Right Place'. It's also now part of the Sailor Moon Z/Dance of Shiva/ Black Moon Rising/She's Got the Power (A KOR story which I might have time to actually FINISH now) continuity. While I do have future stories planned for this version of the cast, like the twentieth reunion story, it'll be a while before they get written; I'm a writer for DNR/DNU now and most of my potential college stories will likely end up there. I hope you've enjoyed this long ride. If you haven't, I'm not sure how you would have gotten to the point that you're reading this, though :) Dedications: I'd like to extend especial thanks to Takahashi Rumiko--Whose creative Genius we all know and love, without her work, this story would never have been possible and the world would know less laughter than it has. Neil Gaman and Ben Dunn--Whose characters I have mercilessly plundered and exploited to my own purposes, but who probably don't even know I exist. Please don't kill me :) My Parents--For instilling the love of writing, reading,and creating in me from an early age. Your love and support has made me who I am today. Jeffrey Hosmer--My left arm. Maybe my right arm too. Jeff and I have co-written and discussed more stories than some authors produce in their entire careers. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we disagree, occasionally it's time for a knife fight, but I appreciate every suggestions, even the ones that go in one of my ears and out the others. Keeping me supplied with anime tapes doesn't hurt either. :) Carmen Spray--But only because you HATE Ranma 1/2. But I like you anyway. :) Maybe I'll dedicate a KOR story to you next...hehe. The nameless soul who secured Ranma 1/2 tapes for Castlecon '93, the event which got me into Ranma 1/2 and Anime in General--I'll never know who you were, but without you, this story would never have been written. Every Single Person on my prereading list, even the ones who haven't written me in so long I can only assume that you died, but they forgot to close your account--Thanks for reading my stories and commenting on them and reassuring me by your existance that someone uses my stories for something besides fertilizer. I know I flood you with more stories than I could read if I wasn't me. Thanks for the support and the help. John Biles Not Dead Yet Proud Member of the Terrapin Corps (even if I keep crashing my mech) Can only WISH he was Makoto's old boyfriend. Historian for Hire Writer at Large Holding Out for a Heroine ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu